By Derek Schlennstedt
They come now, drawn with ravenous hunger to the house made of cedar timber.
People of the Dandenongs, hold your loved ones close, squeeze them a little tighter, give extra attention to those who matter most. Because, come 12 February, the great battle of our time will begin.
It’s official. Parks Victoria will cease bird feeding at Grants Picnic Ground from 12 February onwards, and I know what happens next – I’ve seen the movies.
If it’s anything like Hitchcock predicted, the great battle between man and bird will ensue. Yes. The great bird war, the cockatoo conflict, the avian attack – call it what you like, but they’re amassing out there someplace. You can count on it.
You see, we gave them that which they treasure above all else – free food. We watched. We monetised their feeding frenzy! And as they grew bigger and bolder, we laughed.
The bill comes due, my dudes and we must pay for the things that we have done. We have to suffer the consequences of our deeds. Birds have been on this planet, since Archaeopteryx – a hundred and forty million years ago – and now they will learn about humanity’s cruel subjugation of their species.
If we look back, the beginning of the end started in March 2019, when, following independent advice about the negative impacts of bird feeding on the surrounding environment, Parks Victoria announced they would stop bird feeding in 2020.
Fast forward a year and we come to it at last. To the great battle of our time.
“From 12 November the feedings will stop and Parks Victoria staff will have a regular onsite presence to monitor the health of the birds and to educate visitors about the environment and the reasons bird feeding is no longer permitted,” said Parks Victoria District Manager, Victoria Purdue.
Furthermore, according to Parks Victoria, if you are found aiding and abetting our enemy, then you will risk a hefty fine of $1610. That’s the cost of betrayal.
Now, it is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing, but when you consider that these birds have large beaks, can open wheelie bins and are considered smarter than a human toddler then it isn’t such a small thing at all.
Most people thought that when the apocalypse came, it would be at the hands of the machines. But, it appears a far greater self-made threat was looming and that humanity’s doom will be wrought, not by the machines, but by Sulphur Crested Cockatoos.
On 12 February the bird feeding stops and these hungry birds, whose behaviour we have changed, will be released from our bondage.
With our imminent destruction on the horizon, it is wise to reflect on the fact that perhaps it is mankind, rather, who insists upon making it difficult for life to exist naturally on this planet.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Stay woke, and sleep with one eye open.
